Naturally, as a respectful member of society, I do not go around biting peoples’ heads off. Nor do I say what I really want to say 74% of the time.
Here are letters to those people who have tormented me in some way. (Some names have been altered, because I do not want threatening emails in my inbox. Though, on a side note, if they would even go so far as to send a threatening email… well…they’re not very respectful members of society then, are they?)
I do not like the way you snubbed me just because you’re taller and stronger. It’s okay though, I’m sure you only acted out of insecurity, because right after you moved, all of your friends began talking badly about you. Fifth grade, what can I say?
That day still pops up in my mind. I still don’t understand why you made a dramatic scene because I played with someone new on the playground that day. Calling me “a Jetta” from the TV show Clifford the Big Red Dog was unnecessary.
Morgan, Brianna, Lauren Catty Girls,
Thank you for making my two years socially miserable. Luckily I had spectacular grades and, as you know, went to all-state for orchestra two years in a row. I only wish I didn’t become so self-conscious with my looks and non-Abercrombie clothes.
I might have liked you, but I think it was more of the old “Benedict-and-Arnold” stance. I am sure you have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway, you’re still pretty cool, I guess.
You were quite annoying, but in the end we all got our just desserts. Despite your annoying personality, you are kind and a great person. Yes, I believe I contradicted myself several times in this letter.
You are the epitome of an insecure guy who tries hard to be cool. The low baggy jeans fad is never cool, sorry. Also, you’re way too competitive. And your friends are jerks. Thanks, have a good day. (Although, you were really nice to give Anne a ride that day. And you always help out your friends. So, uh, you’re okay sometimes.)
You used to be cool sophomore year. Then you turned into a hypocrite who looked down at others. What’s worse, you keep posting Biblical quotes on your Facebook every 20 minutes. I don’t know about you, but personally I think you should revisit yourself.
The fake double eyelids and glue is not cute. Okay, it kind of is, but why can’t you go for the natural look? The point of makeup is to enhance our natural features, not disguise them like we do on Halloween. Also, stop talking in a high-pitched voice please.
I used to think you were stuck-up, and I don’t know if you still are or if I was just imagining it. Still, you were pretty nice that one time you drove down to tell us school was canceled so we didn’t have to wait by the freezing bus stop.
Conclusion: Once we write a straightforward letter highlighting the person’s flaws, we can’t help but also see the person’s good qualities as well.